I AM AN AMERICAN REAGAN CONSERVATIVE SHITHEEL

The following is an expanded and developed version of a post originally made on the Something Awful Forums on July 24, 2009 by "randomnoise". Since then the post has been picked up and reposted by hundreds of others worldwide. The original post can be found here.

This morning I was awakened by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the U.S. Department Of Energy and my state power board. I then took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility from the reservoir regulated by the Environmental Protection Agency. After that, I turned on the TV to one of the Federal Communications Commission regulated channels to see what the National Weather Service of the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration determined the weather was going to be like using satellites designed, built, and launched by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. I watched this while eating my breakfast of U.S. Department of Agriculture inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the Food and Drug Administration. On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the United States Postal Service. My garbage will be picked up today by my municipal trash collection agency and taken to the government-owned landfill, while items able to be recycled will be collected and reused.

At the appropriate time as regulated by the U.S. Congress and kept accurate by the National Institute of Standards And Technology and the U.S. Naval Observatory, I get into my National Highway Traffic Safety Administration approved automobile and set out to work on the roads built, maintained and lighted by the local, state, and federal departments of transportation, stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality and pollutant level determined by the EPA and my state Department of Agriculture, using legal tender issued by the United States Federal Reserve Bank. My congressionally mandated catalytic converter keeps my car exhaust more than 95% cleaner than my parent's first car and improves the fuel mileage of my Chevy Tahoe SUV while I drive on my U.S. Department Of Transportation approved and graded tires and remind myself that global warming is environmental nonsense.

I turn on my GPS which uses satellites developed and launched by the U.S. Department Of Defense to guide me to my destinations, fasten my congressionally mandated shoulder and lap belts, and buckle the kids in their NHTSA-approved child safety seats while they play with toys approved by the Consumer Product Safety Commission. On my way to the federal interstate highway I pass a group of homeless people, some of who are carrying signs that say "Will Work For Food". I tell my kids that despite unemployment rates approaching 15% in my local area, the only reason any American doesn't have a job is because they don't want to work, and that the millions of Americans not counted on unemployment rolls because they have given up after months or years of looking just didn't look hard enough or were unwilling to take jobs that were offered.

While I'm on the highway I pass a DOT station where large trucks are being weighed and inspected as I listen to Rush Limbaugh, Michelle Malkin, Michael Savage or Neal Boortz on the radio. I follow the government-mandated traffic signs and signals and drop the kids off at the public school. I call my Mom on my FCC approved and licensed cell phone to check to see if she's taken her Medicare paid for prescriptions as requested by the doctor from the Veterans Administration. Her Social Security check arrived today. She tells me a social worker from the local publicly-funded elderly care agency was by earlier to check on her which she appreciated very much, and she is on the way to walk her dog at the city owned park which features a historic amphitheater built by the Works Progress Administration under The New Deal, where she can hear an orchestra whose free performance is funded by a public music program. She also tells me her next door neighbor just lost his health insurance and cannot get new coverage because his oldest child has a pre-existing condition no insurer wants to accept, and he is devastated by the news.

I then drive to the local license bureau to have my state license tags updated and renew my state driver's license at the low-rent state offices which have minimal furniture and amenities. I have lunch at a restaurant which was graded by the local food safety inspector. While at lunch I talk to my friends about what I've heard on talk radio lately including the posters going around the Internet showing Obama as The Joker with Socialism or Facism as the label and how true they are. We also talk about Michele Obama's White House staff as her attendants, and how Obama has already created more debt than all the presidents before him combined. We discuss the health care reform bill that will create death panels like Sarah Palin says, keep anyone from signing up for a new private health care plan, force people to see government doctors instead of their own, and make everyone have to qualify before a government board to get care that's going to be rationed. Even though the country has more then $10 trillion dollars in debt, we all agree our taxes are far too high. We all agree that a UAW worker making $65,000 a year with benefits after twenty years on the job is the only real reason Detroit is in trouble. I end the lunch with a joke whose punch line is that when a person on disability payments gets an offer from an angel to heal him, he turns them down. We all laugh.

On my way back to work I get a call from my broker telling me my high grade real estate fund investments have fallen more than 50% in value in the last quarter, while my investments in municipal bonds continue to generate 5% tax-free income. He also tells me that despite my investment's huge loss in value, his firm's fee structure will be increased next month in order to increase executive and sales bonuses needed to retain top talent, and that I should ignore any stories about his firm in the liberal news media about insider trading or investigations by the Securities and Exchange Commission. I call to make a plane ticket reservation on an airplane whose safety is regulated by the Federal Aviation Administration and which will fly under the guidance of the federal air traffic control system. I'll check onto my flight after a search by the Transportation Safety Administration. While I'm away on business I plan to stay an extra weekend to visit the nearby national park.

When I return to my job I find a meeting has been scheduled to announce a 30% increase in health care insurance premiums with increased deductibles and less coverage, followed by a notice that jobs may be consolidated with those from another office across the country, and that some employees will be required to re-apply for their old jobs at a much lower salary. As a manager, I am told the need for the changes is driven by the companies' failure to meet Wall Street analyst expectations, even though corporate profits have actually increased. My company paid no federal corporate earnings taxes last year.

After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by the Department Of Labor and the Occupational Safety And Health Administration, I drive my NTHSA-approved Tahoe back home on the DOT roads to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshal's inspection, and which has not been plundered of all its valuables thanks to the local police department.

When I get home I find a letter from my best friend from high school telling me he's been laid off along with thousands of other people at his company after being on the job for twenty years. At the same time of the layoff announcements, his companies' board of directors approved tens of millions of dollars in executive pay bonuses at their week-long annual meeting in the Cayman Islands attended with spouses and company executives who charged more than $150,000 in spa treatments, golf, tennis, scuba and surfing lessons and deep-sea fishing charters which they will deduct from their federal corporate tax liability as business expenses. The board has also voted to ship most of the companies' remaining jobs to Malaysia where workers average $30 a week working six twelve-hour days with no benefits in order to maintain global competitiveness and enhance shareholder value, after the company only a few years ago demanded and received a multi-year tax abatement worth hundreds of millions of dollars from the local and state governments to keep his plant in the local area. As a now unemployed worker with two kids ready to enter college, he has no idea how he will support his family.

I flush my toilet which connects to the local sewage treatment plant which feeds me back discounted recycled water I use for my lawn and shrubs. Most of my friends in my neighborhood of $300,000+ homes use lawn services employing illegal aliens because they tell me they work harder and are much cheaper than legal Americans who require a minimum wage.

I turn on Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly on Fox News, and then log on to the Internet which was developed by the United States Defense Advanced Research Projects Administration and post on freerepublic.com and Fox News forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because I KNOW the government can't do anything right and the private sector is ALWAYS better, and kiss my portrait of Ronald Reagan before I go to bed.